Lots of things have happened since the last post

First of all, the entire company had to start working from home after mid-March because of the pandemic. I took it hard at first, crying and worrying over my parents. My ex (we have since broke up) called me almost every day during the pandemic, since we were apart for another 3 months. It was kind of him, and I distinctly remember thinking that it’s nice to have him for now. Now as in when I don’t have anyone else. But looking back at the previous post, it doesn’t really even sound like I liked him as a person, but rather the things that he did for me were on-script. I think the next time I date, it is of VITAL importance that I actually LIKE the person I’m seeing rather than their background, their looks, their education, their work or whatever else. Like actually ENJOY their company and have it add to my life. Though to be honest as I am right now, someone like that would probably be a person who provides excellent writing material. All of life and life’s experiences is just material.

I want to focus on growing my own skills in writing. I’m building the foundation for it now, so that when it comes time to write I’ll be spilling over with words since I can imagine it so visually in my head. I think visual direction and intention is important, as well as the ‘tone’ of the first 50 pages or so. I’m still trying to understand what it is that my main character is thinking, what they’re like, who to base it on. Maybe J? He seems the most complex person I know. I wanted to base it on someone else, but he’s not as interesting because he’s not a scumbag. It would be really fun to write things in the perspective of a scumbag, but I think the readers might be really turned off, unless we at least make him principled in several aspects. Maybe once I start writing, this person’s character will eventually come out. The story’s just built itself as I start setting things up, so I’m hoping that is the case. I’ll go back and re-edit anyway, I’m in no rush to start since the cover art might take months and there is no way I’m launching without at least 60 chapters written and the direction and overarching plot firmly set in my mind.

I’m so embarrassed

Usually, people are embarrassing when they’re young but at least they have the decency not to write about it… Reading through everything is painful and cringey but honestly I kind of love it. It’s like watching a small train wreck.

Not to say I’m not being just as embarrassing now to my older self, I’m sure by 30 I’ll come back and cringe even harder at how I was when I was 24. I moved on to Tumblr after October 2017 (my last post), but deleted it after I realise it was a bit too much. Both the things I was doing and the posts I was making. Just because you deleted something from the internet doesn’t mean it’s deleted from your mind and your thoughts. Slowly I am coming to terms with it. First realising that I need to stop, that I have no desire to continue down that route again and no need as well. The impulse that drove me to it has all but faded. I think I came away very lucky, with no lasting damage except a deeply-held suspicion of men that I can’t quite shake.

During the last two years and a half, there have been many things that have happened (obviously). I ended my last serious university relationship, entered another one with an appallingly unsuitable person, fell apart over it, tried drugs, stopped taking drugs, took my final university exams, graduated, started pre-reg, passed the pre-reg exams after seriously hating my placement for a year, went to Singapore, Kyoto, Osaka, Nara, Seoul, Jeju, Ho Chi Minh City, Hanoi, Da Nang, back to Singapore, Phuket, China then back to London to start my new job with someone I happened to meet during those tumultuous two years. Life ends up surprising you. The lovestruck me of April 2016, I wonder how you would have felt knowing all this would happen. You probably would have liked a kinder future, but this is the one that we chose. When I read the post of April 2016, I really wanted to throw up (also I haven’t eaten all day and it’s now noon, so maybe it’s that).

I’m four months into dating someone else now and it couldn’t be more different. We spent half the time apart instead of attached to each other’s sides- in China, California, Hawaii and San Francisco. I never felt truly anguished over him or needed to pursue him for 6 weeks. We didn’t meet through school but we both swiped right on an app. I asked for exclusivity after agonising over it for an evening. He was the first man to buy me flowers. He told me he didn’t want to be in an actual relationship (with me, this part was left unsaid). We take each other out. He came up with the most imaginative and exciting dates when we were still getting to know each other. I was so nervous around him at the beginning that I choked on my words. I didn’t sleep with him until 7 weeks into dating him. He is very pretty, even first thing in the morning (unlike me, a legitimate troll). He went to three prestigious universities and is working on his own business. He tells me he likes and admires me because of my drive to do things.

At first, I thought he was insincere but then I realised he was just American. I still don’t entirely trust him, however. There is something about his words that I find quite insincere. I trust myself after all of my ‘lived experiences’ (his words, not mine), that I know when things aren’t entirely what they seem. Time will tell, I suppose.

If I have to be honest with myself, I think I’d rather have the security of being in a relationship with him. Because we’re not, I need constant reassurance. I have to acknowledge that I have my own issues which I cannot mention…

But things overall are better now since then. I have a sense of purpose, a career which I am enjoying, friends to hang out with whom I like, creative ideas. I’m also more confident than I was previously, thank god.

I think the most I wrote was about the relationship which is a bit sad, but it’s more interesting than talking about my job or things I do with my friends. I should really blog more, it’s interesting to read everything. Maybe I’ll do that from now on.

 

 

my world shifted a little/slightly off-axis

as seasons fade into each other, so too do my experiences. people flow in and out of my life. relentlessly. in the ocean of my life, why do i mourn each droplet that pushes past me and brushes against me for a mere second? senseless. but necessary. for in the grand constellation of the human existence, we too are mere droplets. so each one should be celebrated and recognised, even for a brilliant glass-shattering moment.

A lot has changed since March of 2017. Did I really understand what love is? Was what I had with him love? Only the me of that time could know, and she seemed to think that she was. So I accept it. The current me who is writing this does not think so. An infatuation that ran its course, is the death sentence I have pronounced. I have never loved deeply. My emotions skitter across the surface of the lightly frozen pond that is my heart. My attachments never run too deep but I cling to sentimentalities. When I broke up with him, I did not cry. His sadness moved me to a few tears, but it wasn’t out of sadness for myself. I cared for him a lot, and to know I made him sad was a sorrowful thing. It’s not all about me however.

New experiences. I crave them a lot. To the point where I push the boundaries of morality and good sense. Good taste as well, that seems to have been left behind long ago in my pursuit for something real. Trying to become an adult before my prefrontal cortex has even formed yet. It’s not surprising that I got hurt. Not beyond repair, but bruised all the same. My mistakes haunted me for a while, but that was enough for me to learn my lesson.

What do I want to do next? I move from yang to yin and then crave the sunlight upon my face once again. Ever changing, shedding my ephemeral selves like the peeling skin of an orange with ever more layers hidden within. The seasons of my self echo the seasons of my life. I was winter long before the outside air chilled the very strands of my hair until it was sleek and cold to the touch. And now I look to the fresh spring.

Loose ends. Can I wrap them up neatly in a bow and store them in the library of my memories, tentatively, as a ‘Good Memory’? Part of my charm is forgetfulness. I have managed to forget everything bad that has happened in my life. If I ever try to recall something that makes me sad, I pinch myself. And so physical pain overwhelms the emotional pain bubbling beneath.

Him. Now, what do I do about him? The me of the future can report back with details, but for now I consider these points:

• Address retiring from the lifestyle directly, and ask if he wants to continue to see me
• Wait for him to come back from his trip and go with the flow
• Let things fizzle out naturally

The last option is the least tasteful, the least interesting, the most painless choice. The middle one is like waiting on death row. The first option- well, the direct path caused me some heartache last time, didn’t it? Why should I expect any different. The best choice is to combine all three.

1. Joke about retiring from the lifestyle to gauge his reaction
2. See him after his trip to do that
3. Protect my heart until I can let go with no pain/ as we drift along the meandering path of meaningless dating with no satisfying end in sight/ while seeing others as I prepare to take flight

I think this is a good plan. Good luck, future me.

 

 

Goodness it has been a long while

I felt that it was a huge shame that I didn’t keep up with this blog. When I feel emotional I just word vomit into a notes file that I would be ashamed to say was my own. Anyway, I wonder if I would ever be interested in reading what I had to say in the past? I know that I never really wrote sincerely how I felt and everything had a nice gloss over it to preserve my sensitive feelings.

Reading a few lines from my previous blog from April 2016, I sounded a bit sad. I’ve always been accused of taking on a melancholy tone in writing and long messages, but I can’t help it! I probably read (and wrote) too many angsty fanfics as a kid~ it’s difficult to change it now.

I’m in Korea at the moment, it’s lovely to be back. I didn’t feel excited flying back because it just felt like I was coming home~ one of my uni friends asked if I was Korean but I just said I like this place a lot. If he doesn’t know the real reason then I won’t enlighten him.

Apart from that, it has almost been a year since my last update, so I’ll properly review everything here.

– ACADEMICS-

Honestly I didn’t do as amazingly last year as I wanted to… which lead to me not getting the study abroad placement I wanted. The feeling of being held back by your grades sucks!! So I ended up working a lot harder in 2nd term. I still have to keep it up until exams however. I neeeeed to do well this year, or I will possibly carry this regret for a long time /dramatic.  Gyen does so well in uni and works so hard, I don’t want to be left behind.

Also I received an offer for a research project position at UCLH today! It’s the only offer I have received so far so the relief I feel is incredible. I kept reflecting back to the interview and feeling that I did super super badly, so I feel that I should ask for feedback. I’m a millennial, so constructive criticism is always a bit scary to me… I’m joking~

Anyway, my goal is to get a 1st this year. I’m serious! I know I can do it.

i think

-LOVE-

Gyen’s parents met mine recently, I think it went well! Both my parents are quite chill (except for my dad when it comes to pouring tea) so I wasn’t too fussed. I feel that I’m not replying properly to Gyen when I have interesting things to do however. I should put in more effort, really. He takes care of me so well and I can’t imagine being with anyone else. I want to marry him and become a lovely old couple with 1.5 kids and a comfortable retirement. To say that I love him, this allusion is enough.

-FRIENDSHIP-

I feel that I have a good relationship with my friends recently, ever since I stopped with the hormones. Sadly my period never became the same, but in return my temperament became so even and easygoing. My previous anxiety is mostly gone. When I get upset, I think of a still river without a single ripple. My mood easily becomes calm.

I recognise that I’m jealous of one friend who I have no reason to be jealous of. I really hate jealousy and envy. When I recognize it in myself, I’m really shocked. So I’m glad that I’ll have some time to sort it out.

My friends say nice things about me- that I’m approachable and can get along with anyone. I’m not sure that’s entirely true, but I’m happy that they said it anyway. I’m also happy that I’ve slowly developed into this type of person that helps others feel at ease. In the future, I would like to be more dependable, generous and sincere.

It is a very odd thing to say, but I’ve always been concerned with how my character is developing and how other people perceive me. I think that one of my talents is that I forget things that are painful or bad quite easily, so I stay positive and happy. My flatmate Nicole said something to that effect recently. I can’t really remember the previous people I dated, not even their faces very well. It’s a bit extreme, but I feel that I have learnt my lessons from them and moved on from those memories.

Sometimes I ask Gyen things like: what do you really think about me? He says things like small, cute, etc. I want a piercing statement that will shake the foundations of my entire personality and make me analyze my whole self.

Of course, that’s a lot of effort.

We never fight, because we have a peaceful relationship. I personally do not enjoy conflict of any kind; it makes my palms sweat.

I feel that I should catch up with friends more. I keep bailing on them and it isn’t fair. It turns out I have developed anaemia because of my past restrictive diet, which probably contributed to my state of exhaustion previously.

---

As for my plans for the future, I have discovered that I am extraordinarily passionless in this respect. I think I will go with the flow. That’s not to say that I won’t work hard at my job, it just means I have no desire to become a CEO by 35 or anything like that. Ideally, I would like to become a paediatric hospital pharmacist and work with children. I think it’s a goal that will make me happy.

That’s all I really have to say. After reflecting on everything like this, I would like to set out some suggestions for myself:

– Crack fewer stupid jokes and say what you mean

– Work hard

– Find enjoyable hobbies

– Be kind to others, start volunteering

– Be less materialistic

There are probably a lot more points I could make to try and improve my character, but I think these ones are fine for now. Hopefully I can agree that I did my best on these points next year ^^

It’s funny

I haven’t written in this for over three years, but I felt the urge to write something down. I used to be really silly back then, so it’ll be funny to read my past posts. 

In these three years, I wonder what has changed. I started dating properly, I learnt how to talk to people, I became more closed off, I think. I should be more honest with myself, and others. It’s come to the point where I prefer to be by myself because I don’t need to pretend. I feel a perverse thrill when I tell the truth, deliberately never lie in games like ‘Cheat’ because when you deceive people everyday, honesty is refreshing. I literally feel sick when I have to talk to someone for three hours straight. It’s exhausting, pretending for that long. I’m turning 21, it’s time to stop playing these games and live a more relaxed life.

I’m dating a new guy; I’m in love with him. I think when you date enough people, you subconsciously pick up on what you need in a relationship, which can be very different to what you want. When we became friends and I began to understand him better, I thought to myself- this is it. I wanted him very much and luckily, it all worked out. We’ve been dating almost four months now and I fall more in love with him everyday. I’m thinking of what sort of post a future me would like to read and I think I’ll have to go with one of my fondest memories.

It was New Year’s Eve and we had made plans together to just hang out and watch anime. Total nerds, absolutely. At this point, I was very conflicted. I had been in love with him for six weeks but I didn’t know if it was going anywhere. He had just broken up with his ex (again) and everyone was trying to convince me that it was too messy a situation to establish a relationship. I was stubborn as hell, but after so many weeks even I faltered a bit in my confidence. I decided that after New Year’s, I wouldn’t wait for him anymore. 

We were finishing up Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso and I was crying my eyes out. As if that wasn’t bad enough, we followed it with 5cm per second, which was so bittersweet that I couldn’t hold back either. I wonder if it was because of my turbulent feelings towards him at the time, but I felt everything so deeply that night. During the New Year’s fireworks, my expectation grew; I looked at him to see whether he would kiss me. Midnight struck and the moment lingered, then eventually passed. I can’t imagine how I must have felt then. Relief? Disappointment? 

Whatever it was, it was enough to have me crying ugly tears next to him in bed. All of that uncertainty, of having to face the reality of never having my feelings reciprocated- it hit me really hard. It must have been a bewildering experience for him, but he handled it admirably. He gallantly invited me to stay over and tried to comfort my sobbing self. For the first time however, he was incredibly demanding. He wanted to know what I was thinking. That was when it all came out in a jumbled mess. I confessed to him in such a disjointed way that he probably wasn’t thrilled by it. I think he got the gist of it in between sniffles.

When he started tentatively broaching the subject of starting a relationship together, I think I forgot how to breathe. That rush of pure euphoric joy when you’re accepted, that your feelings are returned- it’s warming my heart even now. We talked intimately for a long time afterwards, like we had never before. I thought that even if we ended it the next day, I was grateful that I could experience that more intense side of him. Also he took his glasses off in front of me for the first time and he is very pretty. 

We kissed a bit later. Our first kiss- his lips felt small. He has a small lip. We kissed again and it was really great. Kissing him now feels like the most natural thing, easier than breathing. Which isn’t saying much because I’m terrible at remembering to breathe. I’m better at kissing. 

Thinking back to all this made me smile as I was writing it. We have made many incredibly cute memories but I think this one will be my favourite for a long time. Of course we’ve had our share of mishaps, but we overcame them like the champions we are. 

I struggle to be honest with him sometimes, because he is so good to me. I only want him to feel loved and happy. This has caused a few problems for us. Occasionally, I find it difficult  to  relate to him because he is incredibly kind and compassionate. I grew harshly and became a brittle, deceptive version of myself, because I didn’t want to be feel that kind of weakness and hurt again. And yet, I wanted someone gentle.  In time, I want to understand him more and I would like to try being softer, and stomp on the world a little less. 

I’m grateful that he has taken such good care of me, that he has stuck by me, that he chooses to love me in spite of my flaws. I am so incredibly in love with this man. I love him and I hope to carry on loving him for a long time.   

A lingering affection

While adoring the shadowed image of you was a delight, there is even more excitement in steeling my heart against your gentle protestations. Wicked anticipation dwells deep within the flickering embers of what was once my passion- you should have seen the fire you lit within me!

Cruel is my heart and crueler still will be my words, while you dally with other girls, sweetly in that casual summer fashion even as snow cools on our porches. Yet even in my cruelty, I must be kind because how may I forget?

Forget our first words to each other, the unsure light in your eyes, your tenderness blazing against the bleak and shadowed skies– it is impossible.

Impossible is my attention; hard to keep and fleeing even as it is captured. You left me and I left you, seeking pleasures far sweeter than you.

I have become ruthless; my heart cut out its image of you before ‘goodbye (for a lifetime)’ was even said. And now when someone mentions your name, I feel nothing but a lingering affection.

Give it up

And so today I give it up, all my passion (what little there is of it) and my obsession (immeasurable in its depths). It’s not sudden, not to me, it is a frayed ribbon flapping free in the wind, unravelling with every second ticking past and I watch it with a little regret. What use has regret in this situation though? It cannot heal, it cannot fuel my satisfaction, my disappointed ambition dashed to pieces on the shore.

There will be others, but I don’t think they would be half as beautiful as your reflection in my eyes. The way that your hands enveloped mine even as I stretched them wide, the roughness of your palms against mine!

It was a very sweet infatuation. We made nothing but good memories.

False imagination

I want you to chase me across mountains!

Over land and sea we will run

the sun shining bright on our laughter

And our hearts as warm as the sand between our toes.

 

Our house will always smell lovely

Of freshly-baked bread and ripe apples,

With wine cups filled to the brim with happy delight!

 

And our kisses will always be sweet, whether gentle

Or demanding, fingers entwined or

crushed between the others. 

 

And when that happy chase is over,

I want you to look at me with your eyes

That hold a well of sweet delight

That cry: I can never be insensible to you.

 

How sad it is that such happiness

belongs solely to the realm of dreams

My heart is heavy with the weight of

False imagination!

Now we are friends

I have found myself a most

Dispassionate person of late

Until I met you and your self-delusions.

 

In a way you are enchanting,

demanding my attention, you

don’t know how exhausting you are.

 

Full of praise, you are,

a most charming trait,

even if it is only for yourself.

 

Rude, vain, violent,

If you knew the depths of my dislike

You would slap me across the face.

 

Yet even in dislike I must say

At times I enjoy the distraction

That is your chattering and whining 

In my ear, like the buzzing of a damselfly in full summer.

 

I think I’ve missed this fullness of expression,

Every small thing depresses you at one moment,

Fills you with happiness to the core in the next,

Feelings tumble over each other

Like waves pouring over the rocks.

 

Closely appreciate these flaws

in character, in being, in reason,

Now we are friends

And I am no longer dispassionate.

 

Pale echo of reality

Last night I dreamt

A most delicious dream

Again of you and I.

 

It was deadly bittersweet,

belladonna on my tongue

even as I slumbered, I knew it as untruth

And I dissolved into tears.

 

You were lovely, kind,

and made my heart ache for

your warm touch, you made me smile

and dismissed all other girls.

 

The devastation I felt when I awoke,

And found it to be a pale echo of reality-

I cannot express into words.