Goodness it has been a long while
I felt that it was a huge shame that I didn’t keep up with this blog. When I feel emotional I just word vomit into a notes file that I would be ashamed to say was my own. Anyway, I wonder if I would ever be interested in reading what I had to say in the past? I know that I never really wrote sincerely how I felt and everything had a nice gloss over it to preserve my sensitive feelings.
Reading a few lines from my previous blog from April 2016, I sounded a bit sad. I’ve always been accused of taking on a melancholy tone in writing and long messages, but I can’t help it! I probably read (and wrote) too many angsty fanfics as a kid~ it’s difficult to change it now.
I’m in Korea at the moment, it’s lovely to be back. I didn’t feel excited flying back because it just felt like I was coming home~ one of my uni friends asked if I was Korean but I just said I like this place a lot. If he doesn’t know the real reason then I won’t enlighten him.
Apart from that, it has almost been a year since my last update, so I’ll properly review everything here.
Honestly I didn’t do as amazingly last year as I wanted to… which lead to me not getting the study abroad placement I wanted. The feeling of being held back by your grades sucks!! So I ended up working a lot harder in 2nd term. I still have to keep it up until exams however. I neeeeed to do well this year, or I will possibly carry this regret for a long time /dramatic. Gyen does so well in uni and works so hard, I don’t want to be left behind.
Also I received an offer for a research project position at UCLH today! It’s the only offer I have received so far so the relief I feel is incredible. I kept reflecting back to the interview and feeling that I did super super badly, so I feel that I should ask for feedback. I’m a millennial, so constructive criticism is always a bit scary to me… I’m joking~
Anyway, my goal is to get a 1st this year. I’m serious! I know I can do it.
Gyen’s parents met mine recently, I think it went well! Both my parents are quite chill (except for my dad when it comes to pouring tea) so I wasn’t too fussed. I feel that I’m not replying properly to Gyen when I have interesting things to do however. I should put in more effort, really. He takes care of me so well and I can’t imagine being with anyone else. I want to marry him and become a lovely old couple with 1.5 kids and a comfortable retirement. To say that I love him, this allusion is enough.
I feel that I have a good relationship with my friends recently, ever since I stopped with the hormones. Sadly my period never became the same, but in return my temperament became so even and easygoing. My previous anxiety is mostly gone. When I get upset, I think of a still river without a single ripple. My mood easily becomes calm.
I recognise that I’m jealous of one friend who I have no reason to be jealous of. I really hate jealousy and envy. When I recognize it in myself, I’m really shocked. So I’m glad that I’ll have some time to sort it out.
My friends say nice things about me- that I’m approachable and can get along with anyone. I’m not sure that’s entirely true, but I’m happy that they said it anyway. I’m also happy that I’ve slowly developed into this type of person that helps others feel at ease. In the future, I would like to be more dependable, generous and sincere.
It is a very odd thing to say, but I’ve always been concerned with how my character is developing and how other people perceive me. I think that one of my talents is that I forget things that are painful or bad quite easily, so I stay positive and happy. My flatmate Nicole said something to that effect recently. I can’t really remember the previous people I dated, not even their faces very well. It’s a bit extreme, but I feel that I have learnt my lessons from them and moved on from those memories.
Sometimes I ask Gyen things like: what do you really think about me? He says things like small, cute, etc. I want a piercing statement that will shake the foundations of my entire personality and make me analyze my whole self.
Of course, that’s a lot of effort.
We never fight, because we have a peaceful relationship. I personally do not enjoy conflict of any kind; it makes my palms sweat.
I feel that I should catch up with friends more. I keep bailing on them and it isn’t fair. It turns out I have developed anaemia because of my past restrictive diet, which probably contributed to my state of exhaustion previously.
As for my plans for the future, I have discovered that I am extraordinarily passionless in this respect. I think I will go with the flow. That’s not to say that I won’t work hard at my job, it just means I have no desire to become a CEO by 35 or anything like that. Ideally, I would like to become a paediatric hospital pharmacist and work with children. I think it’s a goal that will make me happy.
That’s all I really have to say. After reflecting on everything like this, I would like to set out some suggestions for myself:
– Crack fewer stupid jokes and say what you mean
– Work hard
– Find enjoyable hobbies
– Be kind to others, start volunteering
– Be less materialistic
There are probably a lot more points I could make to try and improve my character, but I think these ones are fine for now. Hopefully I can agree that I did my best on these points next year ^^