It’s funny

I haven’t written in this for over three years, but I felt the urge to write something down. I used to be really silly back then, so it’ll be funny to read my past posts. 

In these three years, I wonder what has changed. I started dating properly, I learnt how to talk to people, I became more closed off, I think. I should be more honest with myself, and others. It’s come to the point where I prefer to be by myself because I don’t need to pretend. I feel a perverse thrill when I tell the truth, deliberately never lie in games like ‘Cheat’ because when you deceive people everyday, honesty is refreshing. I literally feel sick when I have to talk to someone for three hours straight. It’s exhausting, pretending for that long. I’m turning 21, it’s time to stop playing these games and live a more relaxed life.

I’m dating a new guy; I’m in love with him. I think when you date enough people, you subconsciously pick up on what you need in a relationship, which can be very different to what you want. When we became friends and I began to understand him better, I thought to myself- this is it. I wanted him very much and luckily, it all worked out. We’ve been dating almost four months now and I fall more in love with him everyday. I’m thinking of what sort of post a future me would like to read and I think I’ll have to go with one of my fondest memories.

It was New Year’s Eve and we had made plans together to just hang out and watch anime. Total nerds, absolutely. At this point, I was very conflicted. I had been in love with him for six weeks but I didn’t know if it was going anywhere. He had just broken up with his ex (again) and everyone was trying to convince me that it was too messy a situation to establish a relationship. I was stubborn as hell, but after so many weeks even I faltered a bit in my confidence. I decided that after New Year’s, I wouldn’t wait for him anymore. 

We were finishing up Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso and I was crying my eyes out. As if that wasn’t bad enough, we followed it with 5cm per second, which was so bittersweet that I couldn’t hold back either. I wonder if it was because of my turbulent feelings towards him at the time, but I felt everything so deeply that night. During the New Year’s fireworks, my expectation grew; I looked at him to see whether he would kiss me. Midnight struck and the moment lingered, then eventually passed. I can’t imagine how I must have felt then. Relief? Disappointment? 

Whatever it was, it was enough to have me crying ugly tears next to him in bed. All of that uncertainty, of having to face the reality of never having my feelings reciprocated- it hit me really hard. It must have been a bewildering experience for him, but he handled it admirably. He gallantly invited me to stay over and tried to comfort my sobbing self. For the first time however, he was incredibly demanding. He wanted to know what I was thinking. That was when it all came out in a jumbled mess. I confessed to him in such a disjointed way that he probably wasn’t thrilled by it. I think he got the gist of it in between sniffles.

When he started tentatively broaching the subject of starting a relationship together, I think I forgot how to breathe. That rush of pure euphoric joy when you’re accepted, that your feelings are returned- it’s warming my heart even now. We talked intimately for a long time afterwards, like we had never before. I thought that even if we ended it the next day, I was grateful that I could experience that more intense side of him. Also he took his glasses off in front of me for the first time and he is very pretty. 

We kissed a bit later. Our first kiss- his lips felt small. He has a small lip. We kissed again and it was really great. Kissing him now feels like the most natural thing, easier than breathing. Which isn’t saying much because I’m terrible at remembering to breathe. I’m better at kissing. 

Thinking back to all this made me smile as I was writing it. We have made many incredibly cute memories but I think this one will be my favourite for a long time. Of course we’ve had our share of mishaps, but we overcame them like the champions we are. 

I struggle to be honest with him sometimes, because he is so good to me. I only want him to feel loved and happy. This has caused a few problems for us. Occasionally, I find it difficult  to  relate to him because he is incredibly kind and compassionate. I grew harshly and became a brittle, deceptive version of myself, because I didn’t want to be feel that kind of weakness and hurt again. And yet, I wanted someone gentle.  In time, I want to understand him more and I would like to try being softer, and stomp on the world a little less. 

I’m grateful that he has taken such good care of me, that he has stuck by me, that he chooses to love me in spite of my flaws. I am so incredibly in love with this man. I love him and I hope to carry on loving him for a long time.   

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